Fingers and Toes

A few years ago my sister-in-law and I went on a trip, when we returned, she mentioned how she missed her kids' fingers and toes.  Although I had noticed my own children's and knew them to be important in growth and development, I had not stopped to think of how I missed them.  I realized that in fact, this was the part of my children that I touched, soothed, held, and held me back.  This was our means of communication from birth.  Fingers and toes are parts of hands and feet.  These of my own children were beyond precious to me.

  When my children are sleeping, I often hold their hands, or stroke their feet.  I place those hands upon my own cheek as they once reached to touch as infants.  The feeling of their palms on my skin makes my heart beat faster, or skip a beat.  The tiny pulses of love that emanate between us are hidden and unspoken.

As a Montessori teacher, I am aware of the importance in the developmental process that the hand signifies.  We look for strength, dexterity, grip, etc to see the grown and development of a child.  We see feet as a path to independence, and know the value of stability for motor coordination, and overall balance and function. Curiosity and wonder are fulfilled by hands and feet.  Touch and sensation map the brain in comprehension and understanding of the world. And I'm sure anthropologists, poets, writers, artists, and musicians have all filled us with the poetic beauty that hands provide and create for our species.

 However, it is as a parent that I understand the love that is shared between me and my child.  Their hands and feet, their love and instability, their trust, desire, and will lay between those 10 fingers and 10 toes.  It is also a sadness that draws me to them in silence as I watch them become more independent, trusting their own steadiness to walk away, or ability and will to let me know they can do it on their own.  As they grow in confidence of their own hands and feet discovering the world, I sense the distance that could grow between us. And holding on to them just a little longer in my own hands gives me paramount strength to let them go, to be free, to do on their own, and to love them more deeply than the day before.

Travel- Montessori Style

As most of you will be traveling during Spring break, I thought I'd offer some suggestions on how to travel with children- Montessori style.

- First, talk to your children about where you are going.  Show them a map or photos and get them involved in the process.  Montessori kids are well acquainted with maps.

- Have them pick out their clothes and pack them in their suitcase.  Help them by telling them how many of a certain item they need to put in. Ex: 3 short sleeve shirts, 5 underpants, 2 skirts, 5 pairs of socks, etc.

- Have them help you buys snacks specific for the trip.  This will help them be excited and also have something to look forward to.

- Set an expectation of limited media (at least to start with).  You can have it as a back up but don't start your trip this way.  If you really need this, then have it hidden and do not discuss the option of it. Once it's presented they will only be looking forward to that as an option.

- Start collecting travel games, puzzles, books, magnetic toys, travel board games, crayons, drawing pads, etc, that they can pack in their own back packs.  Keep these hidden during the rest of the year and pull them out only when you travel.  Keep your eyes on the look out when traveling for new items to add to the rotation.  Airports have some fun items, World Market has vintage style things, and museum gift shops have unique finds. 

-Backpacks: buy children their own travel backpacks, we have both "urban" style ones and hiking style ones.  This allows them to take what they want and be responsible for their own items.  Water, snacks, a small box of crayons, light books, paper, small toys, etc. can fit in here and they carry it around.  It helps them feel independent and yet contributing to the family. 

-For car rides, you can play I spy, or some other conversation style games.  There are also lots and lots of podcasts that have children's stories that you can play.  Also, consider silence.  Allow your child to be "bored" this allows for their imaginations to grow and expand.  They do not need to be occupied, talked to, or entertained the entire time.  Children need some quiet time to be in their own head space.

For air travel, similar to car travel, have things to talk to them, read with them, or play tic tac toe, or other games.  Usborn books have some fun travel doodle books.  Again, keep travel items for travel time alone.  For media use, if you need it keep it hidden and pull out only when necessary.  This varies from person to person, but you'd be surprised you may never need it.  We've never had that as an option, and people think we are crazy, but after 6 years and two kids, it's not something to even consider anymore.  Maybe the older ones 9+ could handle something, but if so, keep it to 1 show, or a specific time limit.

-Most importantly have fun.  Traveling with children is not easy or "relaxing" but as I read in an article years ago, it's just a different way of discovering travel.  Once you accept this, it helps to deal with things accordingly.  Nothing like seeing entire families staring into their own "personal devices" when traveling.  This is the time to connect with each other rather than disconnect.

-Finally, limit their sugar intake in confined spaces.  If you want your children to behave well and to be in control, then sugary teats are a way of confusing their bodies on the input and output.  We have control of what they eat.  Giving them the option of "once we get there" is a possible alternative, or just being strict and saying "no" is also a very good choice.  More on saying "no" to your children in a future post!

Bon Voyage!

Check out these articles:

 Will Connected Devices Disconnect the Family?

How Is Technology Affecting Your Family?

 

Low Tech Fail!

Yesterday was a crazy day.  I was so busy from morning to night posting and writing about no technology and how to limit the use of it in your child's home, bla bla, etc. My day in the classroom was crazy and thinking of talking to parents, expressing my concerns, figuring out what's best for each child and how to communicate those needs with each parent, writing up my newsletter which was like a dissertation- I was burnt out!

When we got home I was so tired and exhausted I needed to rest.  I had my husband and oldest daughter get dinner ready.  I was told to come out for a surprise as she had set the table and helped to cook some of the food.  She was so happy and proud and we had a lovely meal together.  After which I promised I would put her to bed and read.

At the point where she came to bed, my phone exploded with text messages asking about a fundraising event for this Sunday.  In my haste to communicate and email, and update on Facebook I kept her by my side telling her I'm almost done.  She'd lay there patiently and asked, "can you read to me?"  I kept telling her I'm almost done, while continuing.  After about the 3rd time, I noticed a deep breathing and then realized she had fallen asleep.  I dropped my ipod and cried.

I had let my own child down.  My whole day that had been about limiting the use of technology for children somehow hadn't applied to me.  I had been consumed with communicating with others that I forgot to communicate with my own dear sweet child who had cooked and cleaned and helped me relax, and had only wanted to spend some time with me, her mother before we put our heads down for the night.

I apologized to a sleeping body and held her as much as I could, but the moment had passed.  The day was done, it will never return again.  For this, I am deeply ashamed, sad, and forlorn.

A Mother's Gift

There is no greater gift we can give our children than life. Giving birth is one thing but teaching them how to live and live a full life requires dedication and patience.

As I look back at my life and how I've come to where I am as a person and now as a mother I am thankful for all that my mother did for me, mostly be being who she is and guiding me as she has done and continues to do.

The greatest gift my mother gave me was BELIEF. Not in the eternal sense but belief in myself. To know ones own strengths and weaknesses, to know your capabilities , to believe when you doubt, to trust your instincts, and to trust that being who you are and true to yourself will be your best guide in life, is not an easy thing to teach a child. I see this as my mother's greatest capacity as she not only instilled these values in me, but as a teacher I see her guiding the children in her care year after year and passing on her wisdom to those children and parents. I suppose being in a Montessori classroom for over 30 years now she has benefited from having the same children for 3 years to work her magic. And often she has siblings and relatives that also pass by. At home we joke that she is our "Strega Nonna".

This really struck me while I was preparing for my home birth with my second child. After she was born and my mother flew here to be with me, my midwife pointed out that I'm so lucky to have a supporting mother who carries with her the wisdom of the past, the wisdom of how to truly care for another person, and who understands the fragility of new life. She knew to be there to care for me so that I could care for my child, she knew to think for me and anticipate my needs before I even knew what they were. She knew to tell me to slow down and enjoy the peace and love of this new life in my arms, she taught me to respect my time with my child giving them undivided attention when nursing so that a stronger bond could be developed.

She was there for me with both my children, guiding and passing on what she had learned from her mother, a mother of 7. In her hands lay the wisdom of two generations and I hope that it goes from me to my children. My mother has only known the true and innocent love of children. In her lifetime she has only had 1 job, being an educator. My sisters and I joke, but it really is a beautiful truth that my mother carries with her the innocence of a child since her life is spent with us, the children in her class, and now her grandchildren. Her dedication to the child rivals that of Dr. Montessori in my eyes. As much as I can credit Dr. Montessori on her work, to me, the wisdom of my mother is far greater as it carries both the Montessori philosophy and also a cultural philosophy that is unique to my family.

The gravitas of being a mother is not in how we parent, but in what we pass on to our children.  Who we are and how we are with our children are sentiments that are absorbed by the child, and that is what will be life-long.  To preoccupy ourselves with the mundane rituals will only be a distant memory to them, as it is to us from our childhood.

 The relationship a mother has with a daughter is one thing, but to raise a boy who will one day be a man is also worth acknowledging.  I am fully aware that my husband didn't raise himself.  So, for him to be an understanding, gentle, and kind human being is also the influence of his mother.

My mother recently said something that really struck with me: as a parent you spend the best times worrying about if you're doing it right and about the small things.  As a grandparent you get to enjoy the grandchildren for who they are and and embrace the things you missed out in your children, as a parent.  It's sad that you miss out on just enjoying your own children.

Well, this hit home.  I don't want to miss out and not enjoy my children at this stage.  Worrying about something I will ultimately have no control over is truly a waste of time and energy.  I am thankful and lucky to have an amazing mother in my life.  I know this, and I don't expect my children to feel the same about me, but I hope that if I treat my mother with respect and I honor who she is and what she has to teach me, then my children can bare witness to respecting me as their mother.




Like it or not, know them or not, only a mother brings us into this world, and simply taking a moment to respect and honor that another human being did this for us is worth a day.

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Writing (in cursive) Before Reading.

In a Montessori classroom we say that after a child learns his/her sounds they are introduced to writing before reading.  It is usually the opposite from traditional schools.  After they have learned their sounds with the sandpaper letters they practice on a chalkboard.  Then they are introduced to the moveable alphabet.  This is a box that contains cut outs of each letter with consonants in pink and the vowels in blue.  AMI training these days encourages cursive handwriting due to the natural circular motion.  There are many exercises prior to language that prepares the child and helps them develop their gross and fine motor skills so they are ready.

There is also a lightness in touch where children learn not to press too hard when they write in cursive.  Observe a child who writes in print and you will notice that there is a force in which letters are written.

I had purchased a moveable alphabet years ago when I had thought I would be doing a different project.  It ended up not working out and so I had it at home.  Once my daughter started using it at school and noticed the one I had at home, she wanted to practice at home.  I do not make her practice any of her lessons from school at home.  The beauty of Montessori is that a child learns at his/her own pace and the classroom provides enough time for them to work at school.  This is also why Montessori children never have homework- oh goodness, what a blessing!  So, when we did the moveable alphabet at home, she chose to write her own words and write them as she hears them.  This is where the "writing before reading" idea comes in.  When a child writes, they write what is in their head.  They write as they hear the word.  We do not discourage them by correcting their spelling.  The key is to develop the love and interest for learning and the desire to repeat.  Once they practice, then as a gentle guidance, we can help them recognize sounds they miss, or we introduce additional sounds that are created with multiple letters such as "sh, ch, ar, oo, " so and and so forth.  Then much later, do you help them with "spelling."  This step in learning to write before reading allows them to master the language so that when reading, it is smooth and they already know to recognize the sounds to "put together".

 These were taken back in January.  I did help her with the "ou" in house.

The last one is steller's jay, a local bird she loves.

The entire process is just beautiful.  I miss seeing it in the classroom and I miss seeing the small steps in which my child must be blossoming in the classroom.  It was a total surprise when last week I saw her writing her name in cursive on a piece of paper.  It all happened so quickly.  She still has trouble recognizing and remembering some letters, but I know that it will click as she continues to repeat and practice writing.  In the past 6 months she has been recognizing letters here and there and points them out trying to read.  Gradually, we have noticed that she is trying to read whenever she can.  Sometimes when we read at home, she wants to read a page or a sentence.  I allow her to as much as she can and to the best of her ability.  These are times when I also explain that two O's make the sound "oo", or something like that.

It's hard not to be excited and happy for your child when they reach these milestones.  There is so much joy in them that it fills your heart with joy and in many ways, pride.  I'm not sure why we are proud, but that is the word we often use, and it's silly.  What right do we have to be proud of their abilities, but it is the way it is, and it is true.  I guess that's part of being a parent vs being a teacher.  In my home, I'm my child's parent and not her teacher.  This I had to accept early on.  I burdened and guilt-ed myself for almost 9 months trying to think of the right way to be when I realized I had to let go of being a "teacher" to my child and just be her mother.  This freedom was the best thing as I allowed myself to make mistakes and learn from them.  It allowed me to enjoy her and enjoy the process of being a parent.  The pressure to be "on top" and be prepared before her is impossible when you are a new parent and a first time parent.  In many ways, we are learning as we go.  There are lots of things we can be prepared for and we should, but when it comes to our own children and how we respond to them, we learn our threshold and our abilities at the given moment.  It's ok to recognize and embrace it.  We are human, just as our children are.  We too are still learning.  Life is far too short for perfection, so enjoying the journey is far more satisfying.

 These are from yesterday.  As you see in the corner, this is a sandpaper letter from my mother tongue.  Montessori comes in all languages :)

 Notice, how in the previous photos she spelled frog with the "r" and here she did not.  Also, this time, we used objects to bring a new interest to the activity.  This also allows children to work independently.  The last one is supposed to be "okapi," but as we all know there are two letters in the for the "K" sound.  Again, a point in how you don't need to correct and it will come naturally later on.  Best part, is it has the little one saying "okeeepee" around the house! 

 I'm trying to keep some anonymity to my children, but let's pretend you don't know her name and just recognize her handwriting instead :) 



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Kids on the GO!

I often wonder how other mother's do it.  They seem to have time to be dressed beautifully, have all their stuff in toe, and be happy (or appear to be).  Now, I'm fully aware that that's my perception and it's hard on us all.  I wonder what it's like at home for other mothers.  I often hear, "oh it's too hard, so we're always out," or "yes, that's why we try to keep busy and stay out of the house."  Hmmm....  This has had me thinking, and re-thinking over the years.  This was something that came up with the first and now again with the second.  I tried for a short time to pack up and get out of the house as often with my oldest.  Now with the second, it's less likely since we have to go pick up the other one from school mid-day.  So, this is my schedule but I kept thinking there's more to this.  Why am I so hesitant to do this? Why does this NOT fit my life-style?  What is it that's preventing me from being a "park/playground mom"?

Over the past few weeks I've been taking myself out of being "me" and being tied down the the "drudgery" that I've felt in our daily activities.   I've tried to look at it in another perspective and in the last two days it hit me, or rather I reminded myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.  Yes, there was a reason I didn't think I was going to send my kids to the Toddler class.  I was home, so I was going to do these things myself.  I was going to show them how to eat at a table, sit down when eating, clean up, put their shoes on, help them become toilet-trained, help them get dressed, help them learn how a home functions, and how to function in society.  Aha! Eureka.

So, why do I stay at home and not roam all over town to a new park each day.  Well, we try to get out, to go to a museum, to go on a hike, to play at the beach, or visit the library, and lots of trips to various grocery stores.  However, there is a very crucial stage in which children need to be at home or a home-like environment which provides the necessary activities to become independent.  They need to be comfortable and know where things are.  If their environments are to be changing daily there is no structure and therefore no routine.  Children like to have order and they actually crave it.  They like to know where their things are and where things belong.  They like to know what is expected of them, to have a routine, to have some discipline (see freedom and discipline ), and to become confident in that environment.  Many changes and constant change sometimes leave children lacking confidence in their environment and therefore their abilities.   It is the age before 2-2 1/2 that we must provide structure so that as they grow older they can become accustomed to changes since they become confident in who they are and what they are capable of. 

I'm not saying that we must be locked up in our homes and stay here all the time.  Not at all.  Children should become part of our daily lives and activities. They should go to the grocery store and see the things we buy for our meals, they should become part of that process and allowed to help.  They should go to the library and pick out their books and hand the library card and put the return books in the bin.  All these things I hope to discuss in another post I've been working on.  We need to help children become part of a daily routine which is meaningful to them.

However, instead of constantly taking children to the playground, park, children's museums, jump houses, aka child-oriented activities solely, we deny them of the opportunity to learn and grow.  All of a sudden as they age, we expect them to know how to put their clothes on and to be toilet-trained but never giving them the opportunities along the way to develop these skills slowly.  Toilet training should not happen in a week or so, it is a gradual process and one that requires clean up, knowing how to change out of wet clothes, put them into something, and to find new clothes to change into.  All these things must also be ready and in a place where they have access to.  Now, as I write this, we have been having lots of misses and also lots of successes. I'm still in the process of setting up the little one's environment. 

 

Changing underwear

The stable home environment (or daycare/preschool) allows children to be active and productive if it is set up in such a way.  They can explore and discover many new things, and they can exercise their skills consistently.  Knowing that they must sit down to eat a meal, clean up, wipe up, sweep, carry dishes to the sink, or dishwasher; these are all things you can do in a stable environment and not in a park.  Often when we are out, foods are finger foods, hands are not washed, utensils are not used, and dishes are plastic bowls or sippy cups. This will happen, this happens when you have a picnic, and that's great, it's healthy to get out and to do something different, but for this to be a daily routine is not helping children develop proper habits.  Prior to the age of 2, food plays a central role in their lives.  It provides for many sensory experiences.  I loved Michael Pollen's statement when he said that what distinguishes humans from animals is that we eat food, and not feed.  There is a social aspect to food beyond the need to fill our stomachs.  Children go home for lunch, or mostly eat at home.  Eating in public spaces is not a very common thing in most cultures either.  The idea of fast food, and eating on the go is predominant an American thing, but now we've just adapted it to eating "healthy" food on the go; juice boxes, milk boxes, goldfish, carrot sticks, string cheese, etc,

Cleaning up and taking care of an environment, knowing to put away and to put things where they belong, knowing to care for yourself, your appearance, your hygiene; these are all things that are best done at home.  A 5 year old who is put on a changing table in a public restroom is not something you will see in the rest of the world.  We have been staying home mostly these days as the little one (20 months) has been wanting to use the toilet.  Mostly we have misses, but on a day like today, there's been a lot of positive results as well.  It's never consistent, and as difficult as it is for me, I have to do it.  The loads mounds of laundry are unbelievable.  The cloth diapers she once used are now used to clean up the floor.  We're going through underwear sometimes 3 in an hour.  We also decided to stop using a diaper on the older one (4) 2 months ago.  So, we are also dealing with night time bed wetting with sheets, down comforters, and pillows being washed daily.  My mornings are spent running out to the garage and in the back yard to hang up the loads and loads so that it will be dry by evening.  Yes, to add to the stress, we do hang the laundry out to dry.  We use the dryer about 4 months out of the year in the winter months when there is little to no sun in the backyard.

By no means is this madness for all, but there is a reason why we do what we do.  Again, I will address sustainable living in another post.  However, as a society, all we are teaching our children is to become individuals on the go.  When we do that, we are also teaching them to use more resources than necessary.  Even a young child uses more resources than they should.  When everything in our lives become disposable we prevent children from seeing the value in things. 

It is hard, it is beyond hard to sit patiently while they take 5-7 minutes to put on their shoes, but by no means does this mean I sit an watch or "police" them in how to do it.  We do it together.  I have little to no time for myself because each activity provides for an opportunity to learn.  Not always, as is the case now, she is happily playing with her doll and feeding it and swaddling it.  She has kept herself entertained opening and closing some boxes and bottles, cleaned it up and put it away, to then move on to another activity of putting her doll to sleep.

The entire day cannot be spent taking forever for children to do things on their own time. Of course not, we'd never get anywhere.  But, when we do have the time, it's best to show them how to do things even if it's one or two things a day.  Even if you're a working parent who has to be out the door early, we can still take our time for one thing and help them to learn that one thing for a week or two and then change it.  They don't have to learn it perfectly, after all what does that mean?  perfect only means for them to be able to do it on their own, it means giving them the opportunity to repeat, repeat, repeat.  If we constantly dress them, eventually they will learn to believe that they do not know how to do it and so will just stand and wait for you to do it.

Steps and Stages:  Help children in small steps. As young as 15-18 months, let children do 1 or two things and then gradually help them build up.  Show them how to do something and then allow them to do it as they can, but be mindful in how many steps it takes.  The fewer the better. 

When my older daughter was about 2 she insisted on picking out all her clothes.  OH MY!  I'm so glad we took lots of photos, but how adorable to see her in a skirt, pants, unmatching shirt and something else random.  When she started school the teachers asked us if she dressed herself as it was quite obvious.  Now almost 2 years later, she picks out her clothes at night and sets them out to dress in the morning.  It's not always smooth and there are arguments, and whines not wanting to get ready quickly, etc etc.

As I said, I will write a separate post soon about what we do at home and how our home is set up.  I hope this explains a little bit about why we don't spend our days out all the time.

When my first child was born, one of the first things my mom said was how her mother said, 'Children love to be at home'.  I thought she was crazy.  Over the years I see how my children love to stay home and play, they love to play with all the tupperware, my shoes, put random stuff in a push cart and go in circles, take all the plates and cups and have a "tea party" in the middle of the floor.  When we come back from a trip, no matter what time even late at night, they perk up and go running around looking at all their things. 

So, in my experience, and for my kids, they love being at home at certain times, and then there are times we like to go out.  This is our family, of course yours is different, so we look forward to hearing what you do and how you spend your days.  I love to get ideas from other moms and especially from other blogs. It's an ever evolving philosophy and way of living.

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Motherhood = Bipolar

If anyone asks me these days to describe motherhood, I think the best word is to stay "bipolar".  It seems to be a life of extremes at times, and it can be in the same day, or it can be in the same moment.  You can be so in love with your children, your life, and then 5 minutes later, you want to run away.

OK, so I seem to be getting a lot of words of reassurance these days that all will be well.  So, let me be clear on this. I do write this with my sense of humor added to it.  Yes it's hard, yes, it's irritating at times (when you clean the floor 10 times in a day, no lie), yes, it's tiring, yes, it's exhausting, and yes, I do want to run away sometimes, but YES, I love my children more than anything in the world, and I do love my husband, and my family we have created.  Contrary to how I come across in some of these posts I'm not sitting at home depressed and in melancholia.  In fact, it's been the opposite.  It's been so busy and hectic, it's tiring to keep up with it all.

I've been having some wonderful discussion with friends about motherhood and how it's an unfair portrayal.  If you had to get paid for this, man, we'd be bringing in some good money.  Alas, it is a life of choosing and so you choose no personal freedom, and the right to sit in front of a group of people as a panelist only to realize you have egg yolk stains all over your black sweater which luckily was put on the right side, this time.

Yes, this is motherhood, and it was a choice.  It was a choice not once, but twice, and I'd do it all over again for these two crazy kids.  They are just so fun and loving, and wonderful to be around.  They have fun together, they have the best smiles and giggles, and they love with all their might that you know you are loved more than anything else in their world, and that is worth all the aches and pains of the day.  The wet snotty kisses, and the hand prints on your thighs in mango smoothie, to the waking in the morning to two sleepy heads climbing over you, or the endless chit chat or "why, why, and why" are the delights that make this unpaid job rewarding.

So, I chose this as my career for now, but I also realize this will come to an end soon, and maybe sooner than I wanted it to.  For now, I am realizing how much I love my time with the girls and how fortunate I am to have had this time.  In all the years ahead for me, I will have all the time I need to work, but these years when words are mispronounced and i make no effort to correct them since that indicates that she will be all grown up; these are the years that will be their baby years.  These are the years you don't get back.  They go by in an instant and I don't want to miss any of it.  I chose to be a stay at home mother before we even got married.  I knew it was something I wanted, but I had no idea how hard it would really be.  Being away from any family only makes it 10 times harder, so to anyone who lives near any family, consider yourself blessed.  My husband and I talk about how nice it would be to have either one of our parents nearby where we could drop them off on a Sunday and he and I could go watch a movie and have some lunch together.  Oh well.

Well, like I said, motherhood is a little like being bipolar.  You have your high highs and your low lows.  But at the end of the day, those little sleeping bodies with their drool on their pillows, cuddling stuffed rabbits and bears, with their legs off the bed, or their bodies off the bed and only head on the bed, are all that you think about.  Case and point, it's 10:50 and I'm writing about them instead of taking a shower, drinking a glass of wine, or catching up on Mad Men.  I tell you, but most of you already know!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!  Why is it only 1 day that we get?.....

Guilty Amnesia

Once again I'm up since 2 am and unable to get back to sleep.  Mostly, it's thinking about yesterday and now feeling guilty how it turned out.  This is normal for me.  I don't know about you, but somehow guilt is the engine that seems to drive me, and I'm not saying that it's in a forward motion at all, nor do I think it's healthy.  Why is this?  Why is it that as women we feel guilty about everything we do?  Why is it men don't seem to show an ounce of it, and can't comprehend why we even feel guilty about the things we do?  Well, I don't know, but I'm fed up of it.

You see, no one ever tells you how hard it is to have a family.  We all say how great it is, and how it changes your life, and the love of a child is immeasurable.  Yes, these are all true, but it's only as time goes on do you come to terms with the daily challenges that comes about as well.  The life you once knew is gone.  Not only are some of us ill fated to be scared and marked up and stretched out like dough on a pasta roller, but then we are also subjected to the emotional imbalance and turmoil of juggling our own needs with those of the family.  Yes, you see, these are things that our mothers fail to tell us.  Maybe it's intentionally, or maybe it's amnesia.  I'm not sure which one it is.  Somehow both our mothers only remember the good, and they seem to find  humor in moments that led to grey hair.

I'm guessing it's like childbirth, once you're done with it, you forget about it.  This is probably why only women can give birth.  Men, would figure out how outsource it.  No, I'm not upset with my husband for anything particular right now, just noticing the differences in attitude.

I'm not sure how your house runs, but it seems like between a 3 year old and a 8 month old, it's a daily routine of crying and shouting, and that includes me in this mix.  I try to find ways to approach this from my wonderful Montessori training, redirecting, asking why, being firm but loving, giving limited choices, allowing her the time and space to calm down, taking time for myself to calm down.  It goes on, but you see, this doesn't last past 10 am sometimes (if not in school).  Getting through the day requires high doses of caffeine, sugar, and a 30 minute "escape" into the media world while they are napping (if that happens).

So, why is this so difficult.  I have realized that 80% of it is lifestyle choices.  Yes, I will admit to this.  It's from the choice to do cloth diapers, to drying them on the line, from not having a TV to put them in front of so I can shower or cook, from 90% home cooked meals to home made baby food, from allowing the children to feed themselves followed by the giant mess that's left, from working with them to clean up and help with household chores, from not having a play pen or a bouncy chair or a crib, from not using a pacifier, and from choosing to breastfeed for 16-18 months which leaves you with interrupted sleep.  Yes, I could easily help myself by changing a few things here and there, and we have embraced disposables when traveling with the second child.  This is not a list that I ever saw myself doing.  I didn't think I'd be so granola about having kids, but somewhere along the lines, I made these choices, and now I'm having to deal with it.  Yet, I can't seem to give them up either.  I think that's where the guilt comes in.  The guilt of not doing these things seem to outweigh giving them up.  Why is that? I attest it to being an Asian catholic woman.  Yeah, that's it, a full fledged dose of all kinds of guilt with a side of extra guilt in case you forget.

Well, I suppose like any 12 step program acceptance is the first to the road of healing.  So, I accept my bullshit list of choices I have made.  I accept they bring me more grief than necessary.  I do not judge anyone for doing what they do to get through the day or life.  I wish I had time to get to the gym, or wax my legs, or shower more often.  I wish I knew how to be happy with the choices I have made and not feel as they are a burden that has been imposed on me.

There is one rule by which I stand.  I do not wish to be a supermom, I do not wish to do all the chores myself, I'm totally fine with letting my husband have his way in cleaning or whatever it is.  I have no desire to do it all myself, oh no!  I'm not one of those woman who gets to do my hair and make up and show up on time looking like a million bucks after reorganizing the entire house and making a home made meal dressed like a diva.  No way.  I'm not a gym mom.  I'm not a soccer mom.  I'm not a lot of things.

My new year's resolution for the last two years has been "do less".  Yes, that's right, I want to do less, and live more.  You may think that's a contradiction, but not for me.  I never wanted to be a crafty person, in fact the thought of it still drives me nuts.  However, I'm frugal and hate the idea of wasting.  In the above mentioned list, I have taken on crafty things as a way to escape as well.  I've found this to be relaxing and a way in which I can remain in my house, but escape my mind.  So, yes, I supposed I'm doing more than I have before, but it's not for the reasons of doing, but being instead.  

I'm not sure how to escape the guilt, and I'm not sure I ever will, but I once read an article that said we should treat ourselves well once in a while.  Yes, and for this I have allowed myself a once in a while massage to relax.  I'm still cashing in on backlogged gifts so I'm very thankful for them.  It is an hour escape every 3-6 months, but oh how glorious it is.  I like the airplane metaphor for mothering "put on your oxygen mask before helping your child".  This is undoubtedly true.  What good are we to these children if we don't take care of ourselves, and by this I mean our emotional and mental health.  Being a basket case or a bundle of tightly wound up raging emotions is not good for any of us, and the worst is if my children remember me this way as part of their childhood.

Well what's a girl to do?  Grow up.  Stop being a girl and become a mother.







A few pictures of what keeps us together and crazy!

 Roasting beef bones to make home-made beef broth.  A 2 day process.

 A children's apron as a gift to her school fro her birthday.

 Playing in the mud which helps their senses and wonder.

 Prepping seed trays for fall gardening.

Making a roast chicken in the crock pot and then making broth with cubes of it for baby.

Attachement Parenting vs. Montessori

About a month ago there was a post on the Montessori blog which really struck home to me.  It was about Montessori and Attachment Parenting and if you could do both.  See article here http://mariamontessori.com/mm/?p=1576&cpage=1#comment-1633

It has been an issue I have struggled with for the past 2 1/2 years.  As a Montessorian I was to follow the the Montessori way, but as a parent, I wanted to follow my instincts.  Well, why should that be exclusive to what is almost a basic premise of the Montessori philosophy? "Follow the Child" is the motto.  We observe and follow the inner desires of the child (there needs to be a HUGE note here, as this does not mean give into all their whims and demands).  You observe their development and aid them so they can reach their full potential.  We don't create obstacles, and we don't hinder them.  These are basic tenants of the "Montessori Way" if you will.  However, they also seemed to contradict some of the AP tenants.

When I started with my first child, I had not read what AP was and it was not that I chose to do that.  I did what my mom had, and what I felt I was comfortable with.  I wanted to have her in our bed, or next to us in the co-sleeper, I wanted to carry her close, mostly so she could be with me, and I could have my hands free.  I wanted to respond to her cries when appropriate and go off her cues.  I refused to be a human pacifier or nurse her as the only solution to the cry.  She did learn to self-soothe by sucking her thumb, and this I wonder if I could have prevented.  I also stayed mostly at home with her for the first 6-8 weeks with very few outings.  It was important that she and I build a strong connection for many reasons.  Well these also fit with what I read in Dr. Montanaro's book as well.

So, why the conflict?  Well it's mostly on minor details. Regardless, I choose not to change much once I had our second.  I had her at home, and from that moment she has been in our bed.  She is now almost 4 months and I am starting to see signs when she could be transitioned to a mattress on the floor, as we did with our first (who was almost 9 months). 

Even with our second, I questioned if I was being true to Montessori, but yet, I felt that I was being true to me and my family and that was more important.  I knew I was guiding my children with a heavy influence of the M. philosophy and that was good enough for me.  I doubt I will change much as I feel I have allowed our daughter to be independent and guided her in a way to become so, and am continually questioning the method in which I do so.  I do question if sometime she has had too much freedom and independence and this is why we have struggles and end up exhausted and frustrated by 8 p.m.  Or then again, it could just be that she is being who she is, and is being a 2 year old who is exercising her will- which is a very strong one!

I took the time to respond on the blog, so you can see what I have said there.  Please feel free to share your feelings about this. I'm still figuring this out, so I guess I won't know if I did the "right thing" until I'm a grandmother.  Oh my, now I feel old.