Motherhood = Bipolar

If anyone asks me these days to describe motherhood, I think the best word is to stay "bipolar".  It seems to be a life of extremes at times, and it can be in the same day, or it can be in the same moment.  You can be so in love with your children, your life, and then 5 minutes later, you want to run away.

OK, so I seem to be getting a lot of words of reassurance these days that all will be well.  So, let me be clear on this. I do write this with my sense of humor added to it.  Yes it's hard, yes, it's irritating at times (when you clean the floor 10 times in a day, no lie), yes, it's tiring, yes, it's exhausting, and yes, I do want to run away sometimes, but YES, I love my children more than anything in the world, and I do love my husband, and my family we have created.  Contrary to how I come across in some of these posts I'm not sitting at home depressed and in melancholia.  In fact, it's been the opposite.  It's been so busy and hectic, it's tiring to keep up with it all.

I've been having some wonderful discussion with friends about motherhood and how it's an unfair portrayal.  If you had to get paid for this, man, we'd be bringing in some good money.  Alas, it is a life of choosing and so you choose no personal freedom, and the right to sit in front of a group of people as a panelist only to realize you have egg yolk stains all over your black sweater which luckily was put on the right side, this time.

Yes, this is motherhood, and it was a choice.  It was a choice not once, but twice, and I'd do it all over again for these two crazy kids.  They are just so fun and loving, and wonderful to be around.  They have fun together, they have the best smiles and giggles, and they love with all their might that you know you are loved more than anything else in their world, and that is worth all the aches and pains of the day.  The wet snotty kisses, and the hand prints on your thighs in mango smoothie, to the waking in the morning to two sleepy heads climbing over you, or the endless chit chat or "why, why, and why" are the delights that make this unpaid job rewarding.

So, I chose this as my career for now, but I also realize this will come to an end soon, and maybe sooner than I wanted it to.  For now, I am realizing how much I love my time with the girls and how fortunate I am to have had this time.  In all the years ahead for me, I will have all the time I need to work, but these years when words are mispronounced and i make no effort to correct them since that indicates that she will be all grown up; these are the years that will be their baby years.  These are the years you don't get back.  They go by in an instant and I don't want to miss any of it.  I chose to be a stay at home mother before we even got married.  I knew it was something I wanted, but I had no idea how hard it would really be.  Being away from any family only makes it 10 times harder, so to anyone who lives near any family, consider yourself blessed.  My husband and I talk about how nice it would be to have either one of our parents nearby where we could drop them off on a Sunday and he and I could go watch a movie and have some lunch together.  Oh well.

Well, like I said, motherhood is a little like being bipolar.  You have your high highs and your low lows.  But at the end of the day, those little sleeping bodies with their drool on their pillows, cuddling stuffed rabbits and bears, with their legs off the bed, or their bodies off the bed and only head on the bed, are all that you think about.  Case and point, it's 10:50 and I'm writing about them instead of taking a shower, drinking a glass of wine, or catching up on Mad Men.  I tell you, but most of you already know!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!  Why is it only 1 day that we get?.....

Guilty Amnesia

Once again I'm up since 2 am and unable to get back to sleep.  Mostly, it's thinking about yesterday and now feeling guilty how it turned out.  This is normal for me.  I don't know about you, but somehow guilt is the engine that seems to drive me, and I'm not saying that it's in a forward motion at all, nor do I think it's healthy.  Why is this?  Why is it that as women we feel guilty about everything we do?  Why is it men don't seem to show an ounce of it, and can't comprehend why we even feel guilty about the things we do?  Well, I don't know, but I'm fed up of it.

You see, no one ever tells you how hard it is to have a family.  We all say how great it is, and how it changes your life, and the love of a child is immeasurable.  Yes, these are all true, but it's only as time goes on do you come to terms with the daily challenges that comes about as well.  The life you once knew is gone.  Not only are some of us ill fated to be scared and marked up and stretched out like dough on a pasta roller, but then we are also subjected to the emotional imbalance and turmoil of juggling our own needs with those of the family.  Yes, you see, these are things that our mothers fail to tell us.  Maybe it's intentionally, or maybe it's amnesia.  I'm not sure which one it is.  Somehow both our mothers only remember the good, and they seem to find  humor in moments that led to grey hair.

I'm guessing it's like childbirth, once you're done with it, you forget about it.  This is probably why only women can give birth.  Men, would figure out how outsource it.  No, I'm not upset with my husband for anything particular right now, just noticing the differences in attitude.

I'm not sure how your house runs, but it seems like between a 3 year old and a 8 month old, it's a daily routine of crying and shouting, and that includes me in this mix.  I try to find ways to approach this from my wonderful Montessori training, redirecting, asking why, being firm but loving, giving limited choices, allowing her the time and space to calm down, taking time for myself to calm down.  It goes on, but you see, this doesn't last past 10 am sometimes (if not in school).  Getting through the day requires high doses of caffeine, sugar, and a 30 minute "escape" into the media world while they are napping (if that happens).

So, why is this so difficult.  I have realized that 80% of it is lifestyle choices.  Yes, I will admit to this.  It's from the choice to do cloth diapers, to drying them on the line, from not having a TV to put them in front of so I can shower or cook, from 90% home cooked meals to home made baby food, from allowing the children to feed themselves followed by the giant mess that's left, from working with them to clean up and help with household chores, from not having a play pen or a bouncy chair or a crib, from not using a pacifier, and from choosing to breastfeed for 16-18 months which leaves you with interrupted sleep.  Yes, I could easily help myself by changing a few things here and there, and we have embraced disposables when traveling with the second child.  This is not a list that I ever saw myself doing.  I didn't think I'd be so granola about having kids, but somewhere along the lines, I made these choices, and now I'm having to deal with it.  Yet, I can't seem to give them up either.  I think that's where the guilt comes in.  The guilt of not doing these things seem to outweigh giving them up.  Why is that? I attest it to being an Asian catholic woman.  Yeah, that's it, a full fledged dose of all kinds of guilt with a side of extra guilt in case you forget.

Well, I suppose like any 12 step program acceptance is the first to the road of healing.  So, I accept my bullshit list of choices I have made.  I accept they bring me more grief than necessary.  I do not judge anyone for doing what they do to get through the day or life.  I wish I had time to get to the gym, or wax my legs, or shower more often.  I wish I knew how to be happy with the choices I have made and not feel as they are a burden that has been imposed on me.

There is one rule by which I stand.  I do not wish to be a supermom, I do not wish to do all the chores myself, I'm totally fine with letting my husband have his way in cleaning or whatever it is.  I have no desire to do it all myself, oh no!  I'm not one of those woman who gets to do my hair and make up and show up on time looking like a million bucks after reorganizing the entire house and making a home made meal dressed like a diva.  No way.  I'm not a gym mom.  I'm not a soccer mom.  I'm not a lot of things.

My new year's resolution for the last two years has been "do less".  Yes, that's right, I want to do less, and live more.  You may think that's a contradiction, but not for me.  I never wanted to be a crafty person, in fact the thought of it still drives me nuts.  However, I'm frugal and hate the idea of wasting.  In the above mentioned list, I have taken on crafty things as a way to escape as well.  I've found this to be relaxing and a way in which I can remain in my house, but escape my mind.  So, yes, I supposed I'm doing more than I have before, but it's not for the reasons of doing, but being instead.  

I'm not sure how to escape the guilt, and I'm not sure I ever will, but I once read an article that said we should treat ourselves well once in a while.  Yes, and for this I have allowed myself a once in a while massage to relax.  I'm still cashing in on backlogged gifts so I'm very thankful for them.  It is an hour escape every 3-6 months, but oh how glorious it is.  I like the airplane metaphor for mothering "put on your oxygen mask before helping your child".  This is undoubtedly true.  What good are we to these children if we don't take care of ourselves, and by this I mean our emotional and mental health.  Being a basket case or a bundle of tightly wound up raging emotions is not good for any of us, and the worst is if my children remember me this way as part of their childhood.

Well what's a girl to do?  Grow up.  Stop being a girl and become a mother.







A few pictures of what keeps us together and crazy!

 Roasting beef bones to make home-made beef broth.  A 2 day process.

 A children's apron as a gift to her school fro her birthday.

 Playing in the mud which helps their senses and wonder.

 Prepping seed trays for fall gardening.

Making a roast chicken in the crock pot and then making broth with cubes of it for baby.

Attachement Parenting vs. Montessori

About a month ago there was a post on the Montessori blog which really struck home to me.  It was about Montessori and Attachment Parenting and if you could do both.  See article here http://mariamontessori.com/mm/?p=1576&cpage=1#comment-1633

It has been an issue I have struggled with for the past 2 1/2 years.  As a Montessorian I was to follow the the Montessori way, but as a parent, I wanted to follow my instincts.  Well, why should that be exclusive to what is almost a basic premise of the Montessori philosophy? "Follow the Child" is the motto.  We observe and follow the inner desires of the child (there needs to be a HUGE note here, as this does not mean give into all their whims and demands).  You observe their development and aid them so they can reach their full potential.  We don't create obstacles, and we don't hinder them.  These are basic tenants of the "Montessori Way" if you will.  However, they also seemed to contradict some of the AP tenants.

When I started with my first child, I had not read what AP was and it was not that I chose to do that.  I did what my mom had, and what I felt I was comfortable with.  I wanted to have her in our bed, or next to us in the co-sleeper, I wanted to carry her close, mostly so she could be with me, and I could have my hands free.  I wanted to respond to her cries when appropriate and go off her cues.  I refused to be a human pacifier or nurse her as the only solution to the cry.  She did learn to self-soothe by sucking her thumb, and this I wonder if I could have prevented.  I also stayed mostly at home with her for the first 6-8 weeks with very few outings.  It was important that she and I build a strong connection for many reasons.  Well these also fit with what I read in Dr. Montanaro's book as well.

So, why the conflict?  Well it's mostly on minor details. Regardless, I choose not to change much once I had our second.  I had her at home, and from that moment she has been in our bed.  She is now almost 4 months and I am starting to see signs when she could be transitioned to a mattress on the floor, as we did with our first (who was almost 9 months). 

Even with our second, I questioned if I was being true to Montessori, but yet, I felt that I was being true to me and my family and that was more important.  I knew I was guiding my children with a heavy influence of the M. philosophy and that was good enough for me.  I doubt I will change much as I feel I have allowed our daughter to be independent and guided her in a way to become so, and am continually questioning the method in which I do so.  I do question if sometime she has had too much freedom and independence and this is why we have struggles and end up exhausted and frustrated by 8 p.m.  Or then again, it could just be that she is being who she is, and is being a 2 year old who is exercising her will- which is a very strong one!

I took the time to respond on the blog, so you can see what I have said there.  Please feel free to share your feelings about this. I'm still figuring this out, so I guess I won't know if I did the "right thing" until I'm a grandmother.  Oh my, now I feel old.